Supporting Sibling Connections

Helping children settle and process big feelings

For many children, a brother or sister is not simply another member of the family. They may be the person who shares their memories, understands their background, knows the same family jokes, or remembers life before things changed.

When children cannot live together, sibling time can protect a powerful sense of connection. It can offer comfort, continuity and belonging during a period when many other parts of life feel uncertain. Research and children's own experiences show that sibling relationships can support identity, emotional wellbeing and stability for children in care.

But sibling time is not always easy. Brothers and sisters can love each other deeply and still argue, compete, withdraw, become overwhelmed or bring complicated feelings into the room.

This guide is for parents, foster carers, kinship carers and professionals who want to help sibling connections feel safer, warmer and more meaningful—before, during and after family time.

Why siblings matter

Siblings often share something nobody else can fully share: a family story.

They may remember the same home, pets, holidays, routines, adults, losses and difficult experiences. Even when they have very different memories, they may still recognise something of themselves in each other.

For a child who has moved home or entered care, seeing a brother or sister can mean:

• "Someone else knows where I come from."
• "I have not been forgotten."
• "I am still part of my family."
• "There is someone who remembers me."
• "I do not have to explain everything."

Sibling relationships can provide companionship, comfort and emotional support during change. Maintaining contact can also support a child's identity and self-esteem.

In England and Wales, government measures announced in 2026 aim to strengthen local authorities' duty to promote and facilitate contact between brothers and sisters who are separated in care, including half-siblings and step-siblings, unless contact is not in a child's best interests.

This matters because sibling time should not be treated as an optional extra. For many children, it is a relationship that can last throughout life.

Connection does not have to look perfect

Adults can sometimes expect sibling time to be warm, happy and full of obvious affection.

Real sibling relationships are rarely that simple.

Children may:

• Run to each other with excitement
• Ignore each other at first
• Argue over toys or attention
• Become silly, loud or competitive
• Want to talk about home
• Avoid talking about home completely
• Seem close during the visit, then upset afterwards
• Become protective of one another
• Feel jealous of each other's placement, belongings or experiences
• Feel angry that they are not living together

None of these responses automatically means sibling time is not working.

A child who argues may be testing whether the relationship is still safe. A child who acts distant may be protecting themselves from sadness. A child who becomes loud may be releasing feelings that have been held in all week.

The question is not, "Did they get on perfectly?"

A better question is:

"What did this time mean for each child, and what support do they need around it?"

Sibling contact should be built around children's individual needs. Its purpose may be to maintain an existing bond, build trust gradually, create long-term links, reassure children about each other's wellbeing, or help them develop a relationship that has had little chance to grow.

Every sibling relationship is different

Some siblings have lived together closely. Others have been separated for years. Some are full siblings; others are half-siblings, step-siblings or siblings connected through a blended family. Some have a big age gap. Some have experienced neglect, trauma, conflict or harm together. Some may have been placed together but later separated.

Avoid assuming that all children will experience sibling time in the same way.

One child may be desperate for contact. Another may want it but feel nervous. A third may say they do not want to go at all. These views may change over time.

A child's voice matters, but it should not be the only thing adults consider. Children need adults to listen carefully, make safe plans and protect them from being asked to make decisions that are too big to carry alone. Sibling contact should be reviewed and adapted as children grow, circumstances change and relationships develop.

Before sibling time

Preparation is not about telling children they must be happy or grateful. It is about helping them know what will happen and giving them room for honest feelings.

Keep the plan clear

Tell each child what they need to know:

• Who they will see
• Where sibling time will take place
• When it starts and ends
• Who will be there
• What they might do together
• Who will take them home afterwards

For younger children, simple language and visual reminders help:

"You are seeing your brother, Ben, after lunch. You will play together at the centre for one hour. I will come back to get you."

For older children and teenagers, give more direct information:

"You are seeing your sisters on Saturday. The plan is for two hours at the activity centre. A worker will be there, and you can tell them if you need some space."

Do not make promises about future visits until they are confirmed.

Instead of:

"You will definitely see your brother next week."

Try:

"The next visit is planned for next week. I will tell you straight away if anything changes."

Reliability matters. A child may cope better with a difficult truth than with a promise that cannot be kept.

Make room for mixed feelings

You might say:

"You can be excited to see your sister and still feel worried."

"You might miss your brother even more after seeing him. That can happen."

"You do not have to act happy for anyone."

"You can love your siblings and also find time together difficult sometimes."

These messages remove pressure. They let children know they will not hurt or disappoint adults by being honest.

Offer small, safe choices

Children often have little say about where they live or when they see siblings. Small choices can restore a sense of control.

Try:

• "Would you like to take a game, drawing materials or nothing?"
• "Would you like a snack before we go or after?"
• "Would you rather travel quietly or listen to music?"
• "Would you like to choose the first activity together?"
• "Would you like me to wait nearby at the beginning, if that is part of the plan?"

Do not ask a child to make adult decisions, such as whether sibling time should happen at all, unless professionals are seeking their views in an appropriate and supported way.

Agree a safety plan when needed

If sibling relationships include conflict, bullying, violence, sexualised behaviour, trauma reminders or a history of one child being expected to care for another, the plan must be clear about safety.

Children need to know:

• Which adults are there to help
• What rules apply
• What will happen if someone becomes upset
• How they can ask for a break
• That they will not be blamed for needing support

For example:

"You will both have your own space if you need it. The worker will help if voices get loud."

"You do not have to look after your little brother today. The adults are responsible for him."

"If you feel worried, you can say 'I need a break' or show the worker your card."

Guidance on sibling contact recommends clear rules and boundaries, and specialist support or settings where there has been abuse or where children need help to feel safe.

Helping children settle at the start

The first few minutes of sibling time can be awkward. Children may have imagined the meeting all week and then not know what to say.

Adults can help without taking over.

Start gently

A worker or carer can offer a simple bridge:

"It is good to see you both. Shall we choose something to do together?"

"Would you like to start with a snack, a game or looking at the things you brought?"

"You do not have to talk straight away. You can take your time."

Avoid forcing affection:

• "Give your sister a hug."
• "Say hello properly."
• "You should be pleased to see your brother."

Instead, let the children choose whether they want a hug, a wave, a high-five, a quiet hello or time to settle through an activity.

Use activities with a shared purpose

Sibling time often flows best when children have something to do side by side.

Helpful activities include:

• Board games and card games
• Baking or decorating biscuits, where appropriate
• Drawing a shared picture
• Building with blocks or Lego
• Making a memory book
• Looking at approved family photographs
• Playing football, going for a walk or using a playground
• Choosing music together
• Making a simple "things we both like" list

The activity is not the point on its own. It gives children a way to reconnect without needing to have a serious conversation immediately.

Notice differences without comparing

It is natural for siblings to notice differences in clothing, toys, homes, holidays, school or what they are allowed to do.

Adults should avoid comparisons such as:

"Your sister is doing much better than you."

"Look how well behaved your brother is."

"Why cannot you be more like her?"

These comments can deepen jealousy or shame. If differences come up, acknowledge them without judgement:

"You are both having different experiences at the moment. That can bring up lots of feelings."

When big feelings appear

Big feelings are not a failure. They are often the reason children need thoughtful adult support.

If children argue

Do not expect siblings to resolve everything alone.

Stay calm and name what you see:

"You both want the same game. That is frustrating."

"It sounds like you are both upset. Let us slow it down."

"You are allowed to be angry. You are not allowed to hurt or scare each other."

Offer structure:

• Take a short break
• Separate activities for a few minutes
• Use turn-taking
• Bring attention back to a neutral task
• End early if safety requires it

The aim is not to stop every disagreement. It is to help children experience conflict without being shamed, frightened or left to manage it alone.

If one child becomes withdrawn

A quiet child may be overwhelmed, sad, unsure or protecting themselves. Avoid demanding that they engage.

Try:

"You do not have to join in yet. You can sit here with me or watch for a while."

"Would you like to draw, listen, or take a short break?"

"I noticed you got quiet when your brother spoke about home. You do not have to explain, but I am here."

Withdrawal can be communication. Give the child space, while staying emotionally available.

If one child takes on a parenting role

Older siblings may try to feed, discipline, comfort or protect younger children. Sometimes this is loving. Sometimes it shows that a child has been carrying too much responsibility.

You can acknowledge care without making it their job:

"You really care about your sister."

"You can be her big brother, but you do not have to be the grown-up. The adults will take care of the difficult things."

This boundary can be deeply relieving for a child who has learned to survive by looking after others.

If children talk about painful memories

Do not shut the conversation down immediately, but do not ask children to relive trauma either.

You might say:

"That sounds like an important memory."

"I can hear that was hard."

"You do not have to talk about more than you want to."

If the conversation becomes unsafe, overwhelming or involves disclosures of harm, follow the agreed safeguarding procedure and ensure children have support afterwards.

Helping children process afterwards

Sibling time may leave children feeling full, flat, sad, angry, relieved or confused. They may not be able to explain why.

The most helpful approach is often connection before questions.

Welcome, do not interrogate

Try:

"It is lovely to see you."

"I am glad you are back."

"Would you like food, quiet time, a walk or some company?"

"I am here if you want to talk now or later."

Avoid:

"Did you have fun?"

"What did your brother say?"

"Did your sister ask about me?"

"Why were you arguing?"

"Tell me everything."

Questions can make a child feel they must report back, choose sides or protect someone's feelings.

Understand behaviour as communication

A child may:

• Become tearful or angry
• Seem tired or unusually quiet
• Want to be alone
• Cling to a carer
• Become boisterous
• Have difficulty sleeping
• Argue with people at home
• Ask repeated questions about when they will see their sibling again

Rather than deciding the behaviour is "bad" or "attention-seeking", wonder what the child may be communicating.

You can say:

"You seem to have a lot of energy since seeing your brothers. Shall we go for a walk?"

"You do not have to talk, but I wonder if goodbye felt difficult."

"You are missing her already. That makes sense."

Keep ordinary routines

A snack, a meal, a bath, a familiar programme, a walk, a bedtime story or quiet time can help a child come back into their everyday world.

Ordinary routines do not dismiss the importance of sibling time. They help children feel that their feelings can exist alongside safety, care and normal life.

When children live far apart

Distance should not automatically mean sibling connection fades.

The 2026 measures announced by the UK Government state that local authorities should do all they can to support sibling contact for separated children in care, including when they live far apart, where this is in their best interests.

Face-to-face time may not always be frequent or possible. Other meaningful options can include:

• Video calls, where safe and agreed
• Telephone calls or voice notes
• Letters, cards and drawings
• Photo books or approved shared photographs
• Memory boxes
• Shared online games, where appropriate and safely managed
• Sending a birthday message or a small agreed gift
• Recording a story for a younger sibling
• Planning a longer activity day rather than only short visits

Indirect or virtual connection should not be treated as a second-best replacement for all children. It can help keep relationships alive between visits and give children a way to stay present in each other's lives.

Adults working together

Sibling time works best when the adults around the children cooperate.

This can be difficult when siblings live in different homes, carers have different routines, parents are involved, or adults hold different views about what is best. Still, children benefit when adults communicate respectfully and keep their disagreements away from them.

Good practice guidance recommends an early facilitated conversation between the adults caring for siblings, so they can understand each other's roles, discuss worries and agree how arrangements will meet the children's needs.

Adults can work together by agreeing:

• How and when children will be told about visits
• What children can bring or share
• How handovers will work
• What information needs to be shared
• How worries will be raised
• How children will be supported afterwards
• When the plan will be reviewed

No child should have to be the organiser, messenger or peacekeeper.

When sibling contact needs review

Sibling time should be reviewed regularly. It should change when children's needs, relationships or circumstances change.

Ask for a review when:

• One or more children are repeatedly distressed before or after visits
• The same conflict happens each time
• A child says they feel unsafe, pressured or unable to speak freely
• The venue, timing or length is no longer suitable
• One sibling is taking on too much care or responsibility
• Children want more contact, less contact, different activities or a different format
• Distance, school demands or health needs affect what is manageable
• Family circumstances change, including reunification, a new placement or a new sibling being born

A review is not automatically about reducing contact. It is about asking whether the current arrangement is doing what children need it to do.

A final word

Sibling connections can hold love, laughter, loyalty, frustration, grief, shared history and hope. They deserve care.

The aim is not to make every visit perfect. It is to create enough safety for children to be real with one another: to play, talk, argue, reconnect, take space and keep building a relationship that may matter throughout their lives.

At Family Time Support, the guiding belief is simple:

Children should not lose their brothers and sisters simply because life has become complicated.

With thoughtful preparation, warm boundaries, and adults who listen carefully, sibling time can help children feel less alone in their story.